Unsent Letter

I am starting to realize that I will never understand why you did what you did, but you should know me well enough to know that I am not good at keeping myself from searching for the truth, which is odd to me because I feel like I don’t know you at all. I have literally laid myself bare to you for the past two years, opened up every scar to show you the depths of my soul and yet, I may never know the real you. Our landlord said it best, “It’s like you were cat fished, but in person.” That is literally the only way to describe how I feel and I can’t seem to wrap around my head how someone could do what you did to me. The past two years of my life has been a lie and you don’t even have the courage to explain it to me, I am beginning to wonder if you even know how.

I think the worst part of this, is the awful things you’ve spread about me. The funny part is you don’t think I know, but sadly, I’ve seen screenshots and messages, you can trust no one dear. I saved them all for the first month, but I realized they were only slowing my healing and I decided being vindictive and showing them to your family and friends wouldn’t actually make me feel better, it would just make me a bad person. Besides, I believe that God and the universe reveal all truth in time and dear when your truths are revealed, I hope your loved ones give you mercy. So, I printed the screenshots, deleted them off my phone and messages, and burned them, allowing the ashes to set me free.

I’ve been trying to understand all of this. I don’t think I ever will, but I have come up with some theories. Personally, I think you were scared. You told me a week before you left that you wanted to get engaged, you were going to get me a ring, and I finally felt ready to say yes. It was the happiest we had been in a while and I had finally felt like we were getting past this slump we were in. You were becoming more honest with me about your feelings, which is something I was asking for since we moved here, and we were able to work on what was harming both of us. I was happy. I don’t think you were though because soon after you became quiet and moody again. I think your head made you realize that you couldn’t make this last forever because your lies were coming to the surface. You were such an elaborate story teller that, like most people you’ve interacted with, I ate up every word you would say. Since a few months back though, I had started to catch some of your lies and, when I caught them, you would get defensive and call me jealous or too anxious, sometimes you’d even say you wished I was normal. It didn’t occur to me that those were not okay for you to say because you were mirroring my constant insecurities, which I believe you knew. The lies I caught you in started small, but quickly grew in size, from why there was an empty beer can hidden in the cabinet to why you were telling her the same, intimate things you once said to me while we were getting together. I don’t know if you cheated, even if it was just emotionally, but I do know you weren’t honest with me and that is enough for me to not trust you. I don’t think you could escape your lies, so you ran.

The more I think about it, the more your lying makes sense. You were constantly living in a fantasy world. I mean our relationship started in fantasy. It was fun for a while and would have continued to be fun if it wasn’t constant. It was as if you couldn’t escape the realm in your mind. You use to say that I was good for you, that I pulled you back into reality every once in a while, but after a while I think you began to resent me for that. I was always “too serious”, “too anxious”, “too worried about how we would pay our bills if I let you spend our money on something large and unneeded”. You never seemed to understand the reality of homelessness and starvation if we didn’t have the money we needed, especially since I was the only one making any in the last few months. Needless to say, the reality of it all was too harsh for you.

You wanted to go home, which I can’t lie, I understand. I wanted that for us too, but I don’t think you could wait any longer, not after the last trip there. It was the happiest that I had seen you in months. After that I was willing to do anything to get you back there, as soon as I could, including letting you go before I could, but I don’t think you saw that as an option in your head, especially since you knew that if we both got there, you would have to start being honest because your family unknowingly began to reveal your lies to me, oddly enough, I didn’t care. I was willing to support you through them, that was a mistake, that was toxic.

I can honestly say that I no longer love you, mostly because I don’t know you, I don’t think I ever did. You knew me though and I do think you loved me, thats why it was so hard for you to leave, why you felt like you had to leave before I got home because you knew the sight of me crying over you would be too much. Even though you loved me, I think you knew that things would never be the same if you were honest with me because I could never trust you again and my trust for you had been dimmed before, recently. I do get twinges of missing you though, my heart becomes heavy and I feel like I can’t breathe when I see an anchor or octopi or when I’ve had one of my days and realize when I walk into the room that I am alone, alone in our room. I still call it our room, calling it my room doesn’t feel right. It isn’t honest. This room will forever be our room, which is why sometimes I sleep on the couch or in the tub, even though it kills my back because I can’t handle the idea of being in our room.

Even though I feel this way sometimes, it lessens as the days go by and I know that I don’t ever want you back. I have been so free since you left and I feel like the negative energy left with you. I know that is harsh, but I know now that you were my main source of my anxiety because nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for you and when I asked you to work on something in return, there was little to no effort made and I deserve better than that. So thank you. Thank you for leaving me and setting me free. I wish things could have worked, but I don’t think you were willing or ready to be in an honest and mutually supportive relationship. It’s time to grow up dear and step into reality with the rest of us. Don’t make the same mistakes and hurt someone else like you hurt me. Own up to what you did. My prayers and positive thoughts are with you. Go out into the world, accomplish all your dreams, and live life to the fullest, leaving your lies behind.

I wish you the best.

-Dani