Baffled

Today I was thrown through another loop when yet another silly thing you told me turned out to be a lie. I trusted you, so there was no need for me to look into everything you said, but honestly, I’m finding that I should have because every time I turn a corner I find another lie.

I am baffled by how much you lied and how much I took every word you said as truth. All I ever wanted was an open door policy, an honest and raw relationship and I told you that from the very beginning. You agreed, yet you never followed through.

The crazy part of all of this is that I’m not even looking for your lies or truths anymore, they just keep finding me. This fact alone is proving to me that my theory that the universe shows all truths in time is accurate. That honestly makes me scared for you because you’ve told so many lies that I’m not even sure you know the truth anymore. Which is going to haunt you, even moreso once everyone else finds out.

A song popped up today on my Instagram and I was really confused about how it was there because it immediately evoked a memory of driving down the mountain from Lost Lake to Hood River. It was one of the first times we were ever physically in each other’s presence. You had the aux cord and I was happily driving with your hand on my knee. You were showing me songs that you and James had made together by remixing old Disney sound bytes. They were really good and I was impressed. You pulled up one in particular that you said was your favorite. Imagine my surprise when today that very song popped up on one of the many Disney Instagrams I follow, in an advertisement for the parks. I looked through the tags and comments thinking “did they sell this song?!” Then there it was, sixth comment down, the artists name, blog, and Instagram with proof that the artist actually made the song. This artist is neither you or James. Then it clicked, this was another one of your lies.

These small, petty lies bother me more than the big ones. They make me wonder what else was a lie because if you lied about something as insignificant as this, what else would you lie about. You baffle me, Ben. I don’t think I will ever understand your need to be dishonest about everything in your life, but, for your sake, I hope you learn some honesty before your lies come to the surface with everyone else.

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